I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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