dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
