Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize