From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
