I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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