Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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