I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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