need another drink. this is the easiest way
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
