i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
