good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
