Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
