If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
