We're like a lot better than the average bears
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
