last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
