Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
