In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
