And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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