I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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