The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
not ubering you a puppy
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
