You just made me feel so damn special
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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