the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
