I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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