So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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