In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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