tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
‎"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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