No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Let's paint friendship bongs
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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