I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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