I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
