I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
