Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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