My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
