Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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