my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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