billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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