Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
