Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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