It's Friday. Sex?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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