taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
