In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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