so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Just high enough for therapy.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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