I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
