i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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