just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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