Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
