I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Bring me that man meat
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
