Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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