Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
