We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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