I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
