Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
