Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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