I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize