Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I don't deserve a penis
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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