apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
