dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
