jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
