I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
