Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
