I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
